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Wednesday, September 23, 2009

A Blessing in Disguise(part 1) will continue after edited

It is a dark and stormy night. The restaurant sits in hushed silence waiting for the impending storm. A dimly-lit light blinks on and off on the open sign. A waitress sighs from the day's workload as she cleans off the tables for any customers that need a place to dry off and just sit a spell. Rubbing her forehead where a headache had been screaming its protest , she grimaces. The restaurant is quaint but comforting. The booths are not of the finest quality but the service is genuinely friendly.
It was passed down through her Grandpa who first opened the place. He was a nice, friendly fellow who always had a cheerful smile to greet the many customers and a willing ear to listen to a customer's complaints or sorrows. He worked right alongside his granddaughter and her mother. He had opened the restaurant when he was in his late 20's and had continued the business even after he got married. His newlywed happily joining him and cooking her best recipes made the restaurant flourish with her cheerful countenance and sweet personality. They were a happy couple so much in love even when hard times fell. His wife's name was Rosie and they had met at college. Rosie was studying to be a teacher and he was studying to be a business major. They met at a college get together at a mutual friend's house. Their mutual friend's name was John, a highschool friend of both Rosie and George. Soon after they become reacquainted they started dating and not to soon after George proposed. Rosie cheerfully accepted and so began there life as newlyweds. George was the organized businessman and Rosie was the flamboyant energetic kid. Together, they were a great team.
"Rosie, honey, would you mind baking a few more of those delicious fruit pies. We have some important guests visiting tonight. Of course, dear. I do not mind a bit. Who are these important guests coming? "The Senator and his wife." George answered.

1 comment:

TaunaLen said...

So glad to see you posting here! Your beginning has piqued my interest, and I look forward to reading more. Some suggestions for your revision: I notice that you spend most of the first few paragraphs describing details. A Reader likes to be thrust into the action from the start, but it's important to set the scene... a good way to accomplish this is to show instead of tell.

For instance, instead of writing:

"The girl was pixie-like, with her short-cropped black hair and violet eyes. She was angry as she left the shop, putting a cap on her head. Tom was amused, but instead of smiling, he handed her a cup of coffee from the coffee shop on the corner..."

I would incorporate those descriptive details into the action. Perhaps I'd say:

"The girl stomped out of the bookstore into the sunlight, yanking a cap over her short-cropped black hair. Her violet eyes flashed in the sunlight, and Tom could tell that she was angry. He couldn't help noticing that she looked very much like a pixie--one you'd find in a child's fairy-tale, even with that ridiculous hat on her head. He knew better than to say so though, considering her mood. Instead, he slipped up beside her and offered her a Venti white mocha latte and a smile. "You look like you could use this."

Even my example could still use some edits and tweaking, but I hope it gives you a bit of an idea about what I mean. Keep up the good work, I can't wait to read more.

By the way, if you're interested in the private site, where you can post works in progress and be critiqued by group members, let me know and I'll link you and grant you access. :)

Follow your pen!


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